Yet, I am compelled to tell this story because it is simply too good to pass up. For me, a professional writer, great stories are like catnip, and at some point, they demand to be written and told. One can only fight it for so long. The itch must be scratched.
So I am going to use my wily communications skills to tell the story, while at the same time, keeping all readers completely off track in discerning the identity of the religion I created, yet I guarantee that my central story is 100% true.
I can tell you that the new religion I created is moderately successful, so far. By that, I mean it now has active members in more than 20 countries, and although I canÃ¢â¬â¢t tell you how many believing members the religion has, itÃ¢â¬â¢s at least thousands, and it continues to grow, though slowly. I donÃ¢â¬â¢t know if the members of my new religion are any happier, or more fulfilled -- but some probably think they are. Other will no doubt practice my new religion for a while, and then become disillusioned. Personally, I do not believe in the structure and precepts of this religion of my own making. In other words, I created a new religion based largely on bulls*** -- yet harmless bulls*** -- of that, I have no doubt.
So why did I do it? Of course, I did it for money. ThatÃ¢â¬â¢s all. I donÃ¢â¬â¢t apologize for that because there is nothing to apologize for. I did not create a cult -- I created a religion, a legitimate, nice religion. No one is being coerced or taken advantage of, and there even isnÃ¢â¬â¢t any money involved. For example, in the belief system I created, no one has to tithe, or give any money to anyone. Also, no one is forced to obey certain religion authorities -- there is no major figurehead, such as a Pope or priests, in my new religion.
And to be honest, I did not create the religion completely on my own. The fact is, I got an enormous amount of help from a number of Ouija Board entity intelligences whom I have come to know over my past 40 years of using the Ouija -- but more on that later. (Note: Any readers not familiar with my Ouija board work can find out more in my columns here at UM and in some threads).
It all began with a mysterious phone call from a man who was contacting me from Europe, or so he said. I wonÃ¢â¬â¢t name the country, although I immediately recognized his accent as being of a certain middle-European land. He had a unique job for me. He said he was convinced that I was the just the person they needed to develop the kind of new religion he and his associates had in mind because he had been reading my blog and other articles published online over the past 5 -or 6 years.
Now, in addition to working as a ghostwriter, I have also work as a media and public relations consultant. I once had a job in government public relations, and my task was to shape certain public opinions, mostly about environmental practices, which I did successfully. So my writing skills combined with my ability to shape public opinion through PR techniques was a perfect match for what these people wanted to accomplish.
I did not take the job right away. I told the caller I would have to meet him in person and discuss the job in more detail before I accepted. He agreed to meet with me, but was very frank about telling me that he would not tell me his real name, nor the name of any of his associates. I thought this was all a bit dramatic, but I was intrigued, so I agreed. Within minutes after hanging up, I received an e-ticket in my email for a plane-ride to New York City, and was given instructions to meet a certain Mr. and Mrs. X at an upscale hotel in Manhattan, where they had made a reservation for me.
So, a couple of days later I was jetting off to New York to meet the mysterious strangers. Upon arriving, I was soon installed in a small, but luxurious room in one of New YorkÃ¢â¬â¢s finest hotels. I was given instructions to wait there until contacted, which didnÃ¢â¬â¢t take long. Within an hour, I heard a rap upon my door, and I met the secretive Mr. and Mrs. X.
Mr. X was quite a short man, and his Ã¢â¬Åwife,Ã¢â¬Â (I donÃ¢â¬â¢t think this was really his wife) Mrs. X stood easily half a foot taller than him. They presented an odd looking couple. Adding to that oddness was that I immediately recognized Mrs. X to have an American Midwestern accent, much in contrast to the deep European accent of her Ã¢â¬Åhusband.Ã¢â¬Â
I would be willing to bet my last dollar that Mrs. X was from the state of Indiana, because the people there have a distinctive Ã¢â¬ÅbuzzÃ¢â¬Â to some of their words -- like when they say Ã¢â¬ÅrangÃ¢â¬Â Ã¢â¬ÅclangÃ¢â¬Â or Ã¢â¬ÅbangÃ¢â¬Â they make it sound like a skill saw touching a piece of tin. So here was a little European man and a tall, gawky woman from the American Midwest, and they wanted me to create a new religion for them. It had an aura of strangeness about it, which is quite hard to describe.
Mr. and Mrs. X invited me to come up to their room -- they had a penthouse suite of immense opulence, wreaking of money. There was a fabulous view of the New York skyline outside gigantic windows. It was in this gilded room that they laid out their abitious, yet vague ideas for the kind of religion they wanted me to develop for them. When I asked them why they were doing this, they only maintained that reasons were confidential.
After about six hours of very intense discussion on wide-ranging topics, I agreed to take on the job of creating a new religion for them. Although they gave me some broad brushstrokes of how the religion might be structured, they left me almost total freedom to develop the new religion in the way I thought would be best. They also said I would be free to opt out of the program at any time, and that would be the end of it, no strings attached. Then we discussed my fee -- and they agreed to pay what I asked for -- and to this day I regret not asking for more, a lot more. But, oh well.
The next thing Mr. and Mrs. X did was hand me a plane ticket to Amsterdam, Holland, where I was to meet with still more people for further discussions. So I headed back home to Minnesota, and packed for Amsterdam. Mr. and Mrs. X did not meet me in Amsterdam, but rather, three people whom I will call Mr. M, Mr. N and Mr. O. These three ordinary looking men met me at the airport in Amsterdam -- and again, I was mildly interested to note that when Mr. M greeted me, he almost certainly had an Indiana accent, just like Mrs. X. But the other two men had exotic accents that I simply could not place -- in fact, I had the overwhelming impression that these two men were simply creating fake accents of some kind -- but I canÃ¢â¬â¢t be sure of that. They both made a kind of soft clicking sound behind some of their words, among other peculiarities. Yet, there were other, more subtle aspects of Mr. N and Mr. OÃ¢â¬â¢s accents and behaviors that intrigued me.
For example, we went to a restaurant in the airport, and I donÃ¢â¬â¢t remember what any of us ate, except when Mr. N and Mr. O both asked for a banana after lunch. Every time Mr. N and Mr. O bit into their bananas, there came the soft clicking noise again. At first I conjectured that they were wearing dentures that were slipping, but there teeth looked real to me, and it would be odd if both these guys had false teeth. They looked to be 30ish of age. So they both ate their bananas -- click, click, click, click -- this seems like a small and minor thing, but this gripped me as being exceedingly odd -- when you are in these mysterious situations, even the little things seem weird -- but you canÃ¢â¬â¢t let yourself get carried away with paranoia.
Still, at one instance, I thought to glimpse some kind of metal or plastic Ã¢â¬ÅplateÃ¢â¬Â on he roof of the mouth of Mr. N -- and trying not to stare or seem obvious -- I am almost certain I saw a similar device inside the mouth of Mr. O. It made me wonder if they had inserted these devices inside their mouths to help them affect their phony-sounding accents. For a brief moment, I let my imagination run wild. I thought, Ã¢â¬ÅMaybe these guys are extraterrestrials disguised as humans and they use the plates in their mouths as translation devices!Ã¢â¬Â But I quickly chased the idea away and totally ridiculous. Also, I am not even certain that I saw anything in their mouths -- but why the clicking sounds? I guess IÃ¢â¬â¢ll never know. The guy from Indiana did not eat banana, however. And neither did I.
Anyway, what they wanted from me in Amsterdam was to get a briefing from me about how I planned to develop the philosophy and structure of the new religion. They were very pleased with my opening concepts -- and after some discussion, they handed me a plane ticket to London, where I was again met by Mr. X. at Heathrow Airport. Mrs. X was not with him this time. Mr. X drove me to a wonderful rural area in the south of England, where I was boarded in a charming and peaceful hotel. I stayed there for about three week and began to dig into the task of developing and writing the basic philosophy and precepts of the new religion.
In these weeks, I was able to write more than 150 pages of the new Ã¢â¬ÅBibleÃ¢â¬Â that would contain the central belief system of the new religion. Mr. X, Mrs. X, and Misters M, N, and O met with me occasionally, but mostly left me alone. After about three weeks, I met with all of them together, and they extremely pleased and excited about the central tenets for their new religion, as I laid them out in the Ã¢â¬ÅBible.Ã¢â¬Â
Now, here is how I managed to develop such a sound and profound Ã¢â¬ÅBibleÃ¢â¬Â so quickly and easily -- I cheated. That is, I consulted heavily with entities I channeled via the Ouija board, which, thankfully, I had packed with me for my trip to Europe.
I almost never use the Ouija board alone -- thatÃ¢â¬â¢s because having a partner work the board with you creates something I call Ã¢â¬ÅCognitive OppositionÃ¢â¬Â which I wonÃ¢â¬â¢t explain here -- so I was obliged to find an Ouija partner there at my hotel. By luck, one of the maids at the hotel was a Polish immigrant, who spoke extremely poor English. But one day she stopped me in the hallway, and, reading her work sheet assignment, she said that she recognized my surname as being Polish. I told her I was an American, but of 100% Polish descent, and that my parents used to speak Polish at home when I was a kid -- so, anyway, it was easy to strike up a .friendship. Between her bad English and my rough Polish, we were actually able to communicate moderately well.
Thus, to make a long story short, the Polish maid agreed to be my Ouija partner when she was off duty -- fortunately, she lived right there in the hotelÃ¢â¬Ës servantÃ¢â¬Ës quarters. Whenever I got stuck on a particular precept, philosophy or aspect of the new religion I was creating, I would get help and innovative ideas from Ouija intelligences. For the record, those Ouija personalities who contributed to the new Ã¢â¬ÅBibleÃ¢â¬Â I was writing were, MOMMY IN THE NOTHING CHAMBER, the arrogant but intelligent KENTU, the Ouija Ã¢â¬ÅliteraryÃ¢â¬Â entity VANTU, and a very strange being I sometimes communicate with who goes by the name of !QXAXIQ! At one point, I also contacted THE LOVE BEINGS who gave me some unique insights into the nature of love, and how it might fit into my new religion, but mostly, they wasted my time by shimmering.
The Polish maid could not make a lick of sense out of what the Ouija entities were talking about -- and for that matter, she was utterly baffled about the meanings behind the kind of questions I was asking -- and this was a perfect situation, I thought. ThatÃ¢â¬â¢s because it would leave her largely ignorant about the secretive nature of my work. In fact, I donÃ¢â¬â¢t think she even knew what an Ouija board was, and I was unable to explain it to her with my poor command of the Polish language, but it was all for the best. She thought I was a crazy American and that we were playing some kind of game.
In retrospect, however, I have always worried -- or wondered -- if the Polish maid was a spy. On the one hand, it seemed just so convenient that I would meet a Polish maid who so easily agreed to perform strange rituals with an Ouija board with me, a total stranger, and it just so happens that I speak some Polish and English in an almost precise asymptote to her balance of Polish and English. But then I think, Ã¢â¬ÅNah -- thereÃ¢â¬â¢s thousands of Polish immigrants in England today, and a lot of them are working as maids.Ã¢â¬Â Still, it all seemed just a tad supicious. But if she was a spy, who was she spying for -- my employers? -- or my employerÃ¢â¬â¢s competitors, or dare I say, my employers Ã¢â¬Åenemies?Ã¢â¬Â But thatÃ¢â¬â¢s all just more paranoia. After all, this whole situation was extraordinary, and sometimes itÃ¢â¬â¢s hard to get a grip -- you just have to stay frosty.
The Polish maid sure seemed genuine, however, and we got along tremendously well. She was wasnÃ¢â¬â¢t just some shallow, ignorant gutter snipe -- she was an intelligent petite blonde girl, hardly more than 5 feet tall, sporting a perky reverse bob hairstyle. Her friendly eyes were sparkling green-hazel, and her skin was the pale white of cirrus clouds. And please note, she was more than young enough to be my daughter -- and I have a beautiful Norwegian wife at home -- so there was never any funny business -- so all readers here can keep their minds out of the trash bin, thank you.
There was one instance when I attempted to explain to the Polish maid the concept of the Ouija board using only my broken Polish, and this caused her to laugh so hard that she had to brush crystal tears from her smiling, prankish eyes. As I struggled along in Polish, she kept saying in her broken English things like, Ã¢â¬ÅOh, that is bad.Ã¢â¬Â Or, Ã¢â¬ÅYour Polish stinks, youÃ¢â¬â¢re crazy!Ã¢â¬Â Or, Ã¢â¬ÅOh, no, no, that canÃ¢â¬â¢t be -- shut-up!Ã¢â¬Â And then one time I stumbled and used the Polish word for s**t when I mean to use the word Ã¢â¬ÅstarÃ¢â¬Â and the Polish maid laughed so hard, we could do no more Ouija work that evening. But, I digress.
Now I want to tell you something about the new religion I and the Ouija entities created, mostly to prove to you that my story is true -- I think if I can give you some idea of the depth of the religion I created -- it will lend credibility to my story. But I am going to remain vague enough so that you donÃ¢â¬â¢t recognize my new religion if you should encounter one of its Ã¢â¬ÅbelieversÃ¢â¬Â in the real world, which you may someday.
First, I will tell you what the religion I created does NOT have: It has no God concept, is neither theistic, deistic nor necessarily atheistic. The religion does not glorify or exalt the human race, nor does it look to Mother Nature for objects of worship, as do some pagan religions. It does not venerate aliens or extraterrestials. As those who read my other columns here know, I have practiced Zen meditation for 27 years, but the religion I created bares no resemblance to Zen, and is not influenced by it. The religion that I created is 100% novel, I believe.
Okay, now IÃ¢â¬â¢ll hazard telling you a little bit more. I have to give some credit to MOMMY for the following precept, but perhaps most credit goes to the Ouija entity !QXAXIQ! The following was mostly his idea, but I contributed as well by tying it all together and tweaking it somewhat.
The central tenet or Ã¢â¬ÅfunctionÃ¢â¬Â of my new religion, then, is based on two certain universal concepts which all human beings -- all of you readers -- would instantly recognize. LetÃ¢â¬â¢s call one of these universal concepts Ã¢â¬ÅPrinciple AÃ¢â¬Â And letÃ¢â¬â¢s say the other universally recognizable concept is Ã¢â¬ÅPrinciple B.Ã¢â¬Â Well, Principle A can work in harmony with Principle B, or in disharmony with Principle B. But in either case, the combination of harmony or disharmony between Principle A and Principle B will always produce a totally original effect, which I will call Ã¢â¬ÅThe C Effect.Ã¢â¬Â The C Effect can reasonably be described as a kind of psychological Ã¢â¬Åforce,Ã¢â¬Â although this is misleading for one very important reason -- The C Effect produces a force which is 100% bogus. In other words, it is not real. ItÃ¢â¬â¢s an artifact of the mind.
Yet, it hardly matters if the The C Effect is bogus, and is not really a force. It seems very real -- a good comparison might be to the Coriolis effect in physics, which is an apparent deflection of moving objects from a straight path when they are viewed from a rotating frame of reference. The Coriolis effect creates a force, called the Coriolis Force, which can be said to not be "fictional" because it does not appear when the motion is expressed in an inertial frame of reference.
So, just as the Coriolis force seems real, but is not real -- in a similar fashion, then, The C Effect of my new religion is not Ã¢â¬ÅrealÃ¢â¬Â yet it can seem to be real. In consequence, what I did was to create a kind of psychological Coriolis force -- The C Effect - to make a very rough comparison. The members or believers of my new religion use Universal Principle A and Universal Principle B to innovate the C Effect.
As I have said, all of the above is harmless - yet it is a handy thing to form a new religion upon - which is what I did. I should also say this only one aspect of the total religious practice I developed.
Please keep in mind that the members of my new religion do not use the term Ã¢â¬ÅC Effect.Ã¢â¬Â IÃ¢â¬â¢m just using that term here to give you some example about what I put into my new belief system. I wanted my belief system, my new religion, to be highly functional and practical, yet at the same time, carry the emotional impact of religious experience, and I believe I have accomplished that.
At the end of my stay in England, I met once again with Mr. and Mrs. X. who read the pages of the Ã¢â¬ÅBibleÃ¢â¬Â I had written so far, and they were just absolutely, fantastically pleased. I mean, they both acted like they had just won the lottery, or had hit a home run in the bottom of the ninth inning in the World Series. Mr. X shook my hand vigorously and clapped me on the back. He was beaming.
Now here is something that happened that I find to be the strangest event of this whole story:
After Mr. X had finished shaking my hand and vigorously thanking me -- all this was taking place in the hotel lobby, and there was some German stewardesses there looking on at the whole scene, which was embarrassing -- but then the tall and gawky Mrs. X, Mr. XÃ¢â¬â¢s bogus Ã¢â¬ÅwifeÃ¢â¬Â -- drew me aside to a quite corner of the lobby and gave me a long, and very warm hug. Then she drew away slightly, and I was certain she was going to kiss me, but instead she leaned forward and whispered Ã¢â¬Åthank youÃ¢â¬Â into my ear. Then she released me and practically ran off down the hallway back into the hotel.
Man, and I mean IÃ¢â¬â¢m telling you, it was a strange scene. I was happy when a car pulled up before the hotel, which was my ride back to London. I was ready to get out of there. Mr. X had hired a driver to take me back to Heathrow. I got into the car, and just as we were pulling away, I looked back and the Polish maid came out and stood in front of the hotel, and waved good-bye to me. I waved back, and this made me very sad.
I returned home and, for the next two years, continued to work on and develop a large array of materials, practices, concepts for the new religion -- and I also drew up a marketing and public relations strategy which my mysterious employers could use to disperse their brand new religion out into the world.
I am finished with the project now, and I have never heard from Mr. or Mrs. X again, nor the strange Mr. N, Mr. O or Mr. M. It is up to the new religion I unleashed upon the world to take hold and survive, or disappear and crumble of its own accord. I sometimes wonder if, say, 50 or a 100 years from now, the religion I created will become a major world, mainstream religion. I doubt it, but one never knows. Stranger and less practical religions have millions of followers around the world today.
Yet, I canÃ¢â¬â¢t help but wonder -- what was the point of it all? What is the real agenda of Mr. and Mrs. X, and Misters M. N. and O? Some kind of mass mind control project? I dismiss this as impossible -- because I implanted psychological safety systems within my religion that I believe guarantees it can never be used for mind control projects. Perhaps they were just bored rich people playing funny games -- like some kind of vast and mysteries Dungeons & Dragon game played across the globe. I think this latter explanation is the best, and the most likely. For fun, I sometimes like to think that my employers were aliens, and wanted to establish a new religion for mysterious reasons of their own. But just because a couple of guys made clicking noises when they ate bananas is not much to go on, and is small reason to assume they were not from planet earth.
The bottom line is, IÃ¢â¬â¢ll never know. But I did my job. I created a new religion, and I did it for money.
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