DreamTime: I've been trying to step up how I take care of myself and present myself to the world to improve my self esteem issues. If I improve my self esteem, I'll improve my strength over myself and maybe be able to recognize my victim mentality mind patterns better--put boundaries with others,etc. Don't be deceived by my pictures on my friendster and myspace accounts!! Perhaps its also due to programming to want to change self(and alter switchings) I don't want to keep blaming things on programming cuz that will just add to its power over me.
Richard: lol I really don't know..lol I know you're teasing but maybe I should write this here: These are my thoughts on what you said: I know as Monica had said that for people to enjoy their programming it means that they're subservient and easily controllable personalities. So maybe I've been easily controllable to them. People have said I was a push-over in the past. We all signed up for programming so we could experience life this way and learn how to break out of it. I'm seeing it as a challenge to overcome. I wanted to know what was up with me--why I have certain feelings, behaviors and thought patterns and knowing that I'm programmed is the best explanation now. I'm happy to finally know something interesting about myself but not happy to know what was done to me. I dont think I want to re-experience being tortured or enduring rituals and I'm dreading slightly to learn who is my handler--if it was my dad or anything. But I'll have to if I want to deprogram and break out of this mess. Once I know who the handler is or the handlers are, then I'll have some peace. I think the excitement is that I was chosen for my abilities and that I'm different from everyone else--even in a way that would make me once feel more special than I'm already known as--so its another verification that I'm unique but my uniqueness is being exploited. Also, the other excitement is that they spent so much time on me to make me the way I am according to my permissibility. Oh yeah I don't think its cool they installed things in my body and that I have certain annoying mindpatterns,alters,repressed angers, and obsessive compulsive behaviors. I'm important to someone else for negative reasons in harming others and creating the mess in this world. I don't think its cool that they can move my body anyway they want--I've allowed myself to be their puppet. I'm not even sure if I totally understand what being a slave means yet. I only have a naive idea.
I think maybe a week ago I was feeling slightly nauseous over the fact that I was programmed..and then I thought I wanted to cry about it too since I have no one to tell this too in 3D and that everywhere I go I'm not free. I tried telling my brother--at least he will listen but he may not understand it. I tried telling a best friend of mine but she has no clue about it and doesn't know what to say. I know now not to talk about it with her again but I can still be her friend because she is not my handler--I'm only worried if I trigger her that's all!!! I might try to tell a few others who I feel will be open to this to see what they have to say. If they act all weird and try to manipulate or handle me out of it, then I will leave them.
I know that now when I had walked into the mall a few weeks ago(not last week though), all those store alarms for no apparent reason went off and shook me into states of fear because they were trying to trigger me into another alter and activate me. I don't think thats cool either that I'm not even free to go places or do things I really want without being watched or spied on. I keep getting sabotaged when I want to really do something(like all my creative art projects!!!),but I can't. So thats something I want to overcome. I'm still trying to let it all sink in and thoroughly understand it. I dont know how bad it really is for me.
I know I'll be okay because I can talk with you guys about it but I have no one as of yet in 3D to really see whats going on with me beyond surface levels. The closest expansions friend I have lives two hours away from me. There are expansions folks who live in NJ but its a matter of reaching out to them.
I have to learn how to monitor my imbalanced states--any change in myself can't really be trusted I guess,right?
but its weird..aren't there perks to being programmed just as there are disadvantages? *shrugs* lol.
Oh and all the books I'm reading now are : my nursing and organic chemistry textbooks, my notes and Expansions study guides,books,etc.
yay! I think its fun reading expansions works on hyperspace techniques and going deeper into the soul...except for the scary stuff.
