07-24-2006, 07:22 PM
Last night I dreamt that I received an envelope in the mail telling me I'd won a poetry competition. ( I actually do have a poem in a competition so it's related to real life). I had also picked up one of the spot prizes of $1000 cash. The grand prize was $10,000 cash, so I had US$11,000 altogether in my hand. I was pleased that when I converted it to NZ currency it would be even more.... (in my dream it coverted to $30,000) I felt relaxed and relieved that my financial pressures and debts could all be finalised, and I could buy all the material things I needed, plus airfares and accommodation, to move to the US or to London, and kickstart my music career.
Then I woke up, and realised with a shock that it was 'just a dream" and that special feeling left me. I felt so cold and deserted, and all morning I've been fighting against a voice in my head that tells me I am worthless, I use people/take advantage of their generousity, I will never make it, my dreams are beyond me and i don't deserve them, I may as well give up and be nothing, I am someone to be despised and deserted etc. All I could see was how "other people" seem to be able to deal with the world so much better than I can. Although I know how to function well in my mind, the 'rules' and normalities of the colelctive consciousness bemuse me at times, and some of the simplest things don't make sense - simply because my perspective differs.
Now, I know this is sabotage of some kind, and that the feeling that I deserve only to grind myself down and "pay my debts to society" is an illusion, but a hard one to overcome right now. Obviously in God-Mind I can 'deserve' and have anything I desire, but this tension and self-detruction has to be dealt witrh first. It was so painful to see that my perfect solution had escaped me so suddenly. I also wonder if this is related to the weird energy in this country at the moment. NZ is being used for a number of ritual and astral/interdimensional purposes. The energy is very heavy, and makes movements and change more difficult.
I may comment some more later on any changes, but I thought I'd share how I'm feeling today... :/
Then I woke up, and realised with a shock that it was 'just a dream" and that special feeling left me. I felt so cold and deserted, and all morning I've been fighting against a voice in my head that tells me I am worthless, I use people/take advantage of their generousity, I will never make it, my dreams are beyond me and i don't deserve them, I may as well give up and be nothing, I am someone to be despised and deserted etc. All I could see was how "other people" seem to be able to deal with the world so much better than I can. Although I know how to function well in my mind, the 'rules' and normalities of the colelctive consciousness bemuse me at times, and some of the simplest things don't make sense - simply because my perspective differs.
Now, I know this is sabotage of some kind, and that the feeling that I deserve only to grind myself down and "pay my debts to society" is an illusion, but a hard one to overcome right now. Obviously in God-Mind I can 'deserve' and have anything I desire, but this tension and self-detruction has to be dealt witrh first. It was so painful to see that my perfect solution had escaped me so suddenly. I also wonder if this is related to the weird energy in this country at the moment. NZ is being used for a number of ritual and astral/interdimensional purposes. The energy is very heavy, and makes movements and change more difficult.
I may comment some more later on any changes, but I thought I'd share how I'm feeling today... :/
