My Deprogramming Journal

[William]

Bless you.  I had to read that outloud.   Thanks for sharing!    :)

[Richard]

Kimberly, I can imagine what you’re experience was like. Michigan was having the same blazingly hot weather. It has finally cooled down to the mid 80’s and I hope it doesn’t get above that anymore this year. I wish the Illuminati would quit playing games with the weather.

I lived in Chicago for 17 years and I’m glad I don’t live there anymore. Living there made me hate all big cities. This world is getting way to over populated in some areas.

[haven]

It was definitely an experience!  There were so many gargoyles, griffins, and lions (both winged and unwinged)  in the architechture there, that was pretty interesting.  I felt like I was reading a story in the buildings.

With a little time in my own environment I realize that the whole time was very triggering for me, because it was looking at myself in my absolute worst "victim" state.  I felt the mind pattern really trying to grab me and settle in.  It was a dark mirror, but a wake up to not get sleepy, or distracted.  :nod:

[Astrojewels]

Haven,

You are very brave to confront your mind-pattern, I applaud you. Your words speak volumes; change is a very difficult interaction. Those who share your life will be purposely programmed to ‘trigger’ you. Release work is very rewarding and when you do accomplish results, it produces a very calming energy within your life, all release work takes time, and patience is a virtue. May I make a suggestion? You may be cluttering your energy field by working on so many techniques at the one time, also the merger symbol does not work for all. Just for one week, leave it out and work on only one issue with your other techniques. I also agree that Kimberly is a beautiful name, very feminine.

[Polly]

Hi Kimberly ;),

Karen gave good advice.  It is easy to become overwhelmed trying to work on so many things at once.  Not only that, once a person starts to seriously deprogram sabotage programs may kick in to send the person into a complete tizzy.  It's as if stuff is coming at you from every direction.

Keeping a record of what comes up for you is a good idea because then you can look back at it when necessary and make connections you may not have made otherwise or that you will purposely forget.

Using mental techniques is one thing; the physical, emotional and spiritual aspects of what happened to you may not follow suit so easily.  Finding your own pace and individualized methods will come as you uncover the programming.  It's okay to be flexible and go with what works and is helpful.

Keep in mind that integrating alters may not be a smooth or easy process.  One is taking different personalities which have been given specialized functions at different ages and they will likely have opposing and conflictual beliefs which do not mesh well.  I can tell you there has been all out war in my mind many times.  Trying to force these personalities to harmonize internally may be a real challenge.

Your own process of deprogramming is your own process and you will find your way as you go along.  People here are very supportive and you have a place to come to when things become tough.  Whatever you write is appropriate for your own deprogramming journey.  Everyone feels like they are crazy when the programming surfaces.

Polly  ;)

[haven]

Thanks for the insights, Astrojewels and Polly.  Turns out you were right :big grin:.  I know I have been guilty of being one of those people who want this to be done yesterday, or at the very least to have answers to things that have happened to me over my lifetime, because of feeling like there is the "normal" life and then there is this "other" strange one.  This past week, in PENN.  at my father-in-law's funeral, I took it very easy with hyperspace work, focusing on balancing and releasing only.  As a result I had some interesting stuff come up, one incident in particular.

Soon after I started deprogramming I had a dream about the number 32.  I was 32 when I moved to CA.  This incident happened shortly after I moved here and while I was 32.  It was the first time since moving here that I had spent a night alone, because my husband had taken his son on a camping trip.  The date would have been around August 28/29.  We had experienced some odd things at night before this:  lights being turned on, bruises on my husband, jewelry I was wearing and unable to remove without assistance being in the bed with me but no longer "on" me, etc. but I had no "interactions" for a while.   (Maybe I should clarify here that in spite of all my weird "night life" adventures I have never thought of them as "abduction experiences", at least not in the way they are talked about).

The first night I spent alone, I woke up to terrible noise.  The sound was so loud it was like standing outside in a terrible storm.  I sat straight up in bed, and my hair seemed like it was blowing around.  Without hesitation, I flung off the covers and hit the floor running into the living room/ dining room area screaming to the top of my lungs over the clamour "NO!  NOT HERE!!  NOT HERE!!  NO!"   As I came around the corner there was a man standing on the ceiling, inverted, or entering the apartment that way.  The light was shifting so much I wasn't able to make out who he was, but I knew him - more specifically, the "me" I was in that moment knew him, although the "me" I am right now does not.  I was completely enraged, and kept saying "NOT HERE NOT..."  Blackness.  I sat straight up in bed again to find everything normal.  I know this was not a dream.  There was no feeling of sleep transition, just awake - black- awake.

Although I hadn't forgotten this incident, what I had not been able to pay attention to before were the critical aspects:  I was NOT surprised, I did NOT hesitate, I was NOT afraid, and I knew who this person/these people were.  I felt completely betrayed, violated, and outraged, as though I thought by moving to the other side of the country and having a "normal"  ( more normal) life I had somehow escaped, or expected for this not to happen yet was not conscious of having thought about it.  I have been until this week inable to "focus" on these details.  I think I may have gone into some sort of chronic, low level despair at this point but since I haven't known "consciously" what the whole situation is, I couldn't completely understand that.  I also tend to down play things that happen to me without outside collaboration, and focus more on ones that have witnesses, so this was one that just got filed away after it happened.

(You know, the deeper one goes into this, the more challenging verb tenses become.)

[Octahedron]

.....
So after I got over the "freak out", I flushed with violet, used the merger on it, then I took a shower and scrubbed the crap out of it with sea salt scrub.  I topped that off with healthy dose of castor oil, and now it has almost dissappeared....

Good example, Haven. :thumbsup:

This kind of sequence of executing healing techniques reminds me to many effective ways of deprogramming in general:

1) Hyperspace part:

protection, flushing, grounding, balancing en deprog archetype sentences

2) Cleansing and washing with sea salt, showers; releasing dirts or negative things

3) Physical stimulus of healing with castor oil, taking herbs, good nutrition etc.

Best Regards,

Octahedron

[Polly]

Hi Kimberly,

That's quite an experience you had in your bedroom. :eek:  You are not alone in wanting all deprogramming done and over with yesterday.  ;)

In this post you sound more calm.  This, even after travellng again and going to a funeral.  ;)

Polly

[haven]

Octahedron:  Thanks!  I am a total castor oil convert :nod:.  I LOVE that stuff!  It works on everything! It's like...duct tape for the human body.  The incision actually turned into a half moon indentation, like a scoop, within an hour, but now it is completely gone.  My husband's (untreated) is still very visible on his belly, incidentally.

Polly: Thanks for your response.   Ironically, I had a very nice time surrounded by my husband's 5 siblings in spite of the cirumstances, and did not get triggered like on the trip to Chicago.  I often feel I do not function well in a family unit so it was nice (and grounding) to feel a part of that for once.

I have felt a little down as I have been digesting this incident, because I have been under the illusion that these night events did not bother me.  I had convinced myself I was okay with their random occurances. (Although I have tried to reach out in "cognizant friendship" repeatedly, only to be completely denied and that lead me to consider these things have not been to my advantage.  Otherwise I believe my gestures of willingness would have been at least acknowledged.)  I spent a whole year training myself to fight the paralysis and move, even speak to whomever was there, all for nothing.   I think this is why it was important for me to really look at this one incident closely.

[haven]

Over the past few weeks I have gotten a better handle on a few types of programming I am dealing with, which is encouraging.  The hard part is to only work with one at a time and not rush to try and get rid of it all at once .

I am currently having strange dreams almost every night.  For example, night before last I was spying on reptiles with binnoculors through a foggy night from the top of a mesa, looking across a canyon and down into the cliff dwelling they were in.  Last night I was in a large multi-room building where these people had explosives and were trying to blow it up. 

When I first started this my pineal gland seemed pretty hinky, like an electrical system on the fritz.  Now I seem to have more control using it, and have made a few observations.  I have noticed if I consume too much sugar I can't get it to activate for a day or two.  I have noticed some times of day are easier for me to "see"  things: sunrise, sunset, and pretty much all night.  The closer the sun is to high noon, the less I can perceive things with the third eye (at least for now).  I am also getting a glimpse into what I was dealing with as a child as some nights our room is downright crowded with stuff.  No wonder I was so scared as a little kid!
icon_megaeek
This doesn't happen every night though which makes me wonder if there are "slow nights", or just my ability to perceive what is around is less accurate.

One repeated comment about deprogramming I hear a lot is there are certain things you have to "be careful with".  I get the suicide programming, but I am not sure what exactly would happen if I did something "not carefully" - and would I recognize it?  I guess I will find out at some point.

My mom is coming for a visit starting Friday.  I had told her not to come, but then after attending my father-in-law's funneral I got nostalgic for family and told her to come on out icon_datz.  That HAD to be some self sabbatoging thing.  But too late now.  I am going to work on staying genuine but at the same time protected.  I have a terrible time not getting triggered when she is around.  She works very hard to trigger eating disordered thinking, age and despair thinking, alters that I have no idea yet what they do, sexual disorder thinking, fear/rage programs, and dark magick (she wouldn't call it that) programs.  So here it is: fear = hiding (myself) = victim mindset (or fear of being a victim. 
I'm goin' in - icon_greatgrin - wish me luck.