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Psychic Minister Can Sniff Which Couples Will Divorce.
#1
http://www.askdocparanormal.com/?p=948

Dear Doc Paranormal:

I wanted to let you know about an Exciting New Chapter of my life!  Last fall, I became a certified ordained minister right here in Butte.  You’re probably thinking:  Why would a former schoolteacher with outstanding grave-sniffing abilities turn her life over to the service of others?  Well, I decided to put my talents to work to do something positive for humanity:  performing marriages for loving couples who want to spend their lives together.  You see, after years of hanging around ancient cemeteries and communing with strange spirits, I thought it was time for a lifestyle change.  And what could be more fulfilling than bringing two people together in holy matrimony?

 Only I hit a snag.  I discovered that my talent for sniffing out DNA from gravesites also allows me to judge whether or not a new marriage will succeed!  You see, when couples stand before me, I can sense by scent alone, if these two individuals are meant for each other.  In fact, even before they repeat their vows and slip on wedding rings, I’m certain of their marital destiny; either they’ll be joined at the hip until ripe old age or the marriage will be over the day they’re back from the honeymoon.

 This is how it started:  When I was first asked to perform the marriage ceremony for a young couple, I was thrilled.  “Darien” and “Kay” had known each other since kindergarten; they were best friends all through school and fell in love while they worked together as wilderness firefighters.  It was a relationship of two strong people who had everything in common and who were naturally made for each other.  Or so everyone thought.  During the ceremony, as the two walked down the aisle, I noticed a whiff of something unpleasant, an odor combining the smells of old pizza boxes, German sauerkraut and stale hamster food.  It was pungent and acidic and I knew it meant trouble.  This marriage would not work out at all; I could smell it.  Of course, I married them anyway, keeping my secret knowledge to myself.  Six months later, Darien left Kay for a young hottie who served tables at the local pancake house.    

 After that, I married many couples whose relationships, I knew, would not last.  My favorites, though, were “Donny” and “Esther.”  These two were what you could call “elderly seniors.”  Donny must have been into his late 80s at the time and Esther had just turned 90.  Despite their advanced ages, they were bright, quick and full of fun.  Esther loved trips to Vegas for a little gambling and Donny had a way with bottles of aged whisky.  They were cute together and I was hoping their closeness would make their last years happy and fulfilling.  Then came the wedding day:  Everything seemed fine during the beginning of the ceremony.  I sensed nothing out of whack, until I began the line:  “Do you take this man…”  Waiting for Esther to respond, I smelled the acrid odor of marital misery.  Esther finally said her “Yes” and the new marrieds went off to enjoy their lives together.  They decided to delay the honeymoon and simply went out to dinner that evening.  To celebrate, Donny had his usual whisky but added a couple more for good measure.  Not surprisingly, the first night together as husband and wife ended badly.  For the next month, Donny drank and partied harder than ever.  Esther was disgusted.  She packed her bags, moved into a retirement community, and filed for divorce.  

 I could go on like that.  But you get the idea.  All in all, I’ve counted that at least 40 percent of the marriages I perform will not work out; 60 percent will do just fine.  That beats the national average for marital success by a good 10 percent.

 You may wonder why I never try to stop a wedding from going forward—even when I know the marriage will be a bust.  I think it’s because I want every marriage I perform to do well and I’m simply hoping my sad prediction is wrong.  That perhaps what I’m sniffing is simply nervousness and not marital disaster.  So far, unfortunately, my record is impeccable.

 But every wedding ceremony I’ve performed starts with love, hope and happiness.  At least I’m there for the best part of the marriage.  Even if it’s only for an hour or two.

Yours truly,

Lydia In Butte, Montana
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