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Luke 23 M
I am new in many ways, and I am glad to be here!
My life is currently in a very painful state of transition. I feel the need to surround myself with like-minded individuals, and this is the only means I have to do so. It is hard dealing with the constant influences of those who want me to turn my brain off, bury my soul, and follow the program without ever asking why.
I know there are many here who have been through a similar transition; one in which they must distance themselves from their job, family, friends, loved ones, etc. I know the outcome will be nothing less than the fulfillment of my dearest dream, but after 3 years of brutal setbacks and losses my initial exuberance upon undertaking this spiritual journey is practically gone.
I hope to learn much while I am here, and maybe even help others learn a few things.
That's all for now.
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Hi Zodd, hang in there! Adversity seem to be the norm these days and things don't always work out as hoped. What kinds of setbacks and losses have you experienced?
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Welcome aboard Zodd,
You have full access now. I hope you enjoy your time here. :)
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Whoa! Thanks for the access, Richard. Amazing, truly.
Polly, I will try to answer your question as best I can, without writing a novel. Thank you for your encouragement.
My parents divorced when I was 5. Between 5 and 10 years old I was molested by my older brother. (I am uneasy about saying this) My father is a radical fundamentalist Christian, and has staunchly disapproved of every goal and dream I've ever had because it opposes his idea of what I should be, think, and do.
About 3 years ago I became disillusioned with my life, and as a result I became obsessed with learning everything I could to try and find some sort of truth. I would sift through websites while reading books and listening to Coast to Coast am. I soaked it up like a sponge.
One day while drawing, it was if the scales had fallen from my eyes. I realized that all the people in the room were emanating waves of energy, like a vibration, that I could physically feel. I began to look at my paper and pencil, and then realized the art I was creating was also emanating vibrations. The picture I was drawing had a scrawny black hand clutching a flame in the tips of its fingers on the center of the page. I remember putting my hand over the page and feeling this sort of icy wind coming from this hand...it scared me. That was MY negativity on the page, and it was pouring out into the room. I immediately folded the paper in half and rushed out of the room not sure if I was still sane. That was the day I woke up.
Days later, I was fired from my job. 4 months passed before I got another job. I gave up nearly my whole paycheck to my roommate because I had not payed rent in the meantime. I had no idea he had his name taken off the lease the day prior. He absconded with the money and left me with $790 in debt, and an eviction notice.
After I paid the $790 I decided to allow a character named Graham to move in.
Later, I was attacked at work, and struck several times with a loaded gun by a robber. I was told by my friend Barbara's mom, a wiccan woman I looked up to very much, that it was all 'my fault.'
I lost my job again because of a dispute over workman's comp. Graham an I decided to let a mutual friend named Dallas move in. I got another job. Graham and Dallas started smoking crack in the apartment. I kicked Dallas out, and got into a fistfight with Graham. He moved out soon after.
I got hit with another eviction notice... this time I couldn't pay it off. 30 days later the Sheriff's dept. thew all of my possessions into a dumpster. (including 4+ years of my best art)
My mom is now dead, and I am 1,000 miles away living in my dad and step-mom's basement. I have a room with no doors directly beside my abusive brother. I have no friends, and have already lost 2 jobs since I've been here. My father tries to 'help' me by force-feeding me Christianity.
There have been incredible people, places, and experiences amidst all the loss and abuse, as well as a few bad things I've left out of the story. I've learned more in 3 years than some people do in a lifetime. I know 'the juice is worth the squeeze' as they say, but I still ask "What's it all for?"
I applied for an internship at the COSM in NYC, which would have been a dream come true had they not declined my application today. I guess it isn't over yet.
BTW it feels impossible to create art, meditate, or do any kind of grounding or release work in my current environment. Any suggestions? I would move, but am unable to do so.
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Welcome Zodd42, there are many here who have had experiences like yourself. Baby steps is all i can say. Learn to forgive ourselves because we seem to punish ourselves without knowing it. Learn to use what you have at the moment. KNow this as just a stage for the next area of your life. And remember, do what makes you happy and does not bother or trespass on others as they should not Trespass on you.........
Please do some artwork for us to see ok :)
peace
William
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Thank you for the explanation, Zodd. You are not alone in dealing with harsh situations and being a seeker of the truth of this reality. You have lots of company here. It often happens when one finds a crack in the illusion all hell tends to break loose but the circumstances and influences for each individual are varied.
I'd also like to see your artwork; whatever you can muster. :-)
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