07-23-2006, 01:22 PM
I thought maybe I'd start a my own deprogramming thread. That way I can just add stuff as I go along instead of wondering where to put it.
Deprogramming has been frustrating this past week. Everytime I try to work with the brown merger I fall deeply asleep for about an hour, no matter what the time of day. This is unusual because I am not a daytime napper and never have been. As a matter of fact even as a young child I never napped even though my mother would force me to lie down alone for some amount of time, during which I was usually freaked out by what was going on in my room for the duration and couldn't wait to get out. So falling asleep during the day is a little disconcerting.
The heat is a killer right now and has made me very grumpy, and then last night I started hearing a tape about how much of a burden I have been on everyone and continue to be, etc. I say "tape" because it was more like listening than "thinking", and I did some releasing and grounding. Still in a funk a little bit though today.
I tried the green spiral staircase on an event from my childhood and had to come out of it before I could get any information. As long as could remember as a child things came out of my closet. To this day I don't rest well with a closet door left ajar.
I have also been thinking a lot about a being I used to call "the bad rabbit who lives in the wall". This was not a real rabbit, but a shadow that would "pretend" to be a large (like 6-7 ft) thin, humanoid rabbit. It would take that shape and try to get me to relax, like act out bugs bunny stuff, and then when I would finally start to think it was friendly and relax it would do bad things. Sometimes it was stuff I would get in trouble for, like throwing things or breaking them. Then my parents never believed me that there was this "bad rabbit" because, really, who would?
Anyway, about the closet: When I was still pretty young (but very accustomed to odd things already) this girl who was older moved into our apt. complex. She had a little brother a year younger than me. I can't remember his face or his name. I can't see the girl's face either, only her body up to the neck. Supposedly her mother was divorced but I can't recall having ever seen her, or any, adult.
This girl sexually harrassed and embarrased the younger boy constantly, humiliating him to tears multiple times. She set up this scenario with me several times where I would be playing house and she would drag me into the closet from behind. My memory is being touched erotically, but here is the problem. I know the closet was not big enough for what I recall, because I had the same sized closet in my room. So I was trying the staircase to see if I could find out what exactly happened back then, like just some routine child molestation or some sort of programming? But I couldn't finish.
Interestingly enough, "the closet" makes ANOTHER interesting reappearance much later when I am 30. I had a thing with some research psychiatrist (whom I barely knew and who flew me to visit him a couple of times in a barely furnished apt., which was strange, really). He kept me very compartmentalized (I just thought he was worried about his career and the divorce he was supposedly going through and didn't want anyone to know about us), and although I never told him about this incident he tied me up in his (pretty empty) closet. Coincidence? Maybe.
Most of all right now I am struggling with the fact that even though I knew about this stuff I actually thought it was normal. But now I am thinking maybe not so much:think:.
Also, since working through some of the hyperspace material, I am seriously re-evaluating my desire to change to my name. So for now I am trying to make friends with my name, "Kimberly". I am wondering if I have not been able to move forward because I have been (consciously or unconsciously) blocking the development of energies. I also think I have been trying to sneak around the forbidden act of creation with art, by painting under another name. Obviously I need to understand what exactly is happening before I can make a conscious choice of how to proceed.
Deprogramming has been frustrating this past week. Everytime I try to work with the brown merger I fall deeply asleep for about an hour, no matter what the time of day. This is unusual because I am not a daytime napper and never have been. As a matter of fact even as a young child I never napped even though my mother would force me to lie down alone for some amount of time, during which I was usually freaked out by what was going on in my room for the duration and couldn't wait to get out. So falling asleep during the day is a little disconcerting.
The heat is a killer right now and has made me very grumpy, and then last night I started hearing a tape about how much of a burden I have been on everyone and continue to be, etc. I say "tape" because it was more like listening than "thinking", and I did some releasing and grounding. Still in a funk a little bit though today.
I tried the green spiral staircase on an event from my childhood and had to come out of it before I could get any information. As long as could remember as a child things came out of my closet. To this day I don't rest well with a closet door left ajar.
I have also been thinking a lot about a being I used to call "the bad rabbit who lives in the wall". This was not a real rabbit, but a shadow that would "pretend" to be a large (like 6-7 ft) thin, humanoid rabbit. It would take that shape and try to get me to relax, like act out bugs bunny stuff, and then when I would finally start to think it was friendly and relax it would do bad things. Sometimes it was stuff I would get in trouble for, like throwing things or breaking them. Then my parents never believed me that there was this "bad rabbit" because, really, who would?
Anyway, about the closet: When I was still pretty young (but very accustomed to odd things already) this girl who was older moved into our apt. complex. She had a little brother a year younger than me. I can't remember his face or his name. I can't see the girl's face either, only her body up to the neck. Supposedly her mother was divorced but I can't recall having ever seen her, or any, adult.
This girl sexually harrassed and embarrased the younger boy constantly, humiliating him to tears multiple times. She set up this scenario with me several times where I would be playing house and she would drag me into the closet from behind. My memory is being touched erotically, but here is the problem. I know the closet was not big enough for what I recall, because I had the same sized closet in my room. So I was trying the staircase to see if I could find out what exactly happened back then, like just some routine child molestation or some sort of programming? But I couldn't finish.
Interestingly enough, "the closet" makes ANOTHER interesting reappearance much later when I am 30. I had a thing with some research psychiatrist (whom I barely knew and who flew me to visit him a couple of times in a barely furnished apt., which was strange, really). He kept me very compartmentalized (I just thought he was worried about his career and the divorce he was supposedly going through and didn't want anyone to know about us), and although I never told him about this incident he tied me up in his (pretty empty) closet. Coincidence? Maybe.
Most of all right now I am struggling with the fact that even though I knew about this stuff I actually thought it was normal. But now I am thinking maybe not so much:think:.
Also, since working through some of the hyperspace material, I am seriously re-evaluating my desire to change to my name. So for now I am trying to make friends with my name, "Kimberly". I am wondering if I have not been able to move forward because I have been (consciously or unconsciously) blocking the development of energies. I also think I have been trying to sneak around the forbidden act of creation with art, by painting under another name. Obviously I need to understand what exactly is happening before I can make a conscious choice of how to proceed.
