HeadSpace..Deprogramming diary

[HeadSpace]

Yup:)

Just one thing that came to mind today, it's been on my mind several times before.
Regarding my sexuality, sometimes I actually feel disgusted by the whole human thing:? Especially males.. And then I get the feeling I dont belong in the body, as if I were not ment to have one of these. I am not homosexual either.
The funny thing is that I actually love sexuality and have very strange intense relationships towards it:P And although I'm not that keen about showing it I really love the oposite sexicon_rolleyes

So there's this shift.. I think I may have been one of those lizzie people at some time and that the incarnation is linked to this one in regards of sexuality.. I'm not sure.

It only surfaces sometimes and it's not really true, because if I search myself I can pick it apart and find that I do love it too.

It might be programming, it feels strange. There is conflict there.

Ok, I just asked my oversoul and I think it is linked to the demon.. That fits because sometimes it feels as if I do not own my own sexualityicon_omg

Thats really rude stuff, going around and manipulating people like that.

[HeadSpace]

It may sound unlikely and strange, but when I was reading up on programming and stuff a week ago I came across info about something going on in canada, montreal.
I think, still, my memory is tricky:P

But the thing is that I felt something there, I think I might have been there or something. I tried to ask my oversoul just now and I cant seem to gety a clear answer...

My sister had memories when she was a child of being stuck in a mental ward or an insane asylum or somethingwhere experiments were done. She talked about lobotomys and other spooky stuff and really scary stories..This influenced her greatly over the years..I'm starting to wonder wether or not hey were real memories of something.

There is a picture of her hanging on the wall at my grandparents house..They say she was a wild one, she has little memory of things and she underwent personality changes. Her eyes in that photo creeps me out. They dont feel healthy and in fact I get the feeling it is not my sister either:?

I'm also wondering how they managed to stuff in all those programs of mineicon_skeptisch Imean, one should be plenty. Will this complicate the deprogramming? Probrably a stupid question.

And I'm wondering where the end times went, I'm finished with the game over feeling but I still have no concept of time at all. It feels as if there is no time and that it all stands stillicon_rolleyes  Some days after some of the shift I mentioned, I had a feeling of continuity and time.. regained optimism and a sense of knowing regarding the future..

Trying to find lion frequency again, everytime I try to do it I feel a difference but I still dont manage to pull it off.. I've only had it a handful of times.. It saved me a while back when I was depressed and just found out about the programming, plus I had/ have a slipped disc which was bothering me and I found it without the archetype too. I asked the lion too help me, and it didicon_megagrin

But when I first pull it off it seems it never sticks around, it's the same with a lot of the other techniques..I tend to spin off the road so to speak..

[HeadSpace]

I just tried to put this in the previous post, but the time limit for editing ran out on me:P
I was just working out with some weights and I had some excessive thoughts running through my head..After a while and somewhat out of the blue I focused on my T-bar..I've never found it and I pretty much gave it up. But now I found it, it was shiny white/silverish with a red pillar inside and perhaps some shades of green. Not sure about the green.

Anyways, I did what I could to balance it and strenghten it, and then I set it. The moment I saw it I imediatly felt different, stronger and clearer..

After I set it everything went quiet and still. That never happened with the circle and dot, where I just feel as if I'm finally floating instead of struggling against the waves or something.

I felt when I saw it and as I wrote about this that it was aldebaran.. I think I might have activated some genetics..I feel more confident, stronger and clearer. Thought processes move more quickly and in line with the agenda:)

If this is what was prominent throughout my viking days than I have underestimated the vikings:P

It doesn't feel "berserkish" to me, more controlled, strong and clear. Of course, personalities count.
I also watched myself in the mirror, I looked different..More glowing, my eyes are different. I had some strange and beautiful yet familiar glow..

My eyes seem to present greater energy/wisdom or something..at least to me. They seem bigger as if I am more grown up:D And that fits my present feelings to.

Strange stuff, interesting.

I'm also typing at 5 times the speed I'm normally writing:?

It also feel as if a fragment of what I had has been awakened..Something that was there, lurking.

[HeadSpace]

A lot of posts..I see that:?
I was just now going to do the T-bar again and I couldn't concentrate because of the usual unstable energy. I know it is the chakra where the navel is. I asked my oversoul to heal it for me and it calmed down.. I always feel as if someone is reaching for it or hurting it. I think it has been damaged at some point.

I feel good now though, I will try to find out more. It is this chakra that seems to cause all the tension and me that nervous energy. It has always been like that, but it has intensified. A vulnerable point.

Edit: After reading up on this chakra I see that this most definetly is an issue for me.
Brings cannabis into focus, when I used cannabis with others the anxiety I tend to feel around others get pronounced and intensified and I can feel the energy in that chakra as totally overwhelming. Manipulating my whole being. And alone, it turns into a vulcano of energy ready to explode and I'm having trouble sitting still because of extreme energy. I often felt very blissfull and happy..Although it somtimes got so tense that it was just too much even alone. It is there that restless energy originates I think. But on cannabis I am much more aware of bodily energies so when I decide to master my energies I felt I could do that to the very last detail. And I could master the energy of that chakra and when I did I felt wonderful:D

I also experienced extremes of emotion a long time, and then periods without emotions at all:? I sort of miss the space cannabis put me in, it can be complete harmony and a wonderful contact with my emotions.  Plus it's amazing with music:P
But I probrably won't do it again as I know it can be quite hazardous energetically. Although I do think that if one is in control of it that it could be done properly..But with programming and all it gets complicatedicon_rolleyes

After askig my oversoul to help me heal that chakra and attaining some sort of balance I checked something on the net and got some bad news which really wasn't bad, it's nothing really and I wouldn't care normally but this actually made me kind of sadicon_razz In a centered and balanced way..

[Polly]

HeadSpace, what about your physical life?  What is going on with that?

[HeadSpace]

Ohicon_ahhh

I've been a little lost and obsessed with with the techniques  and stuff, so I've kind of lost track there. I will fix it now though.:) I retrieved something today.

My center I suppose, instead of being a victim of all sorts of mental stuff and triggers..I realized that it is I who should be on top, not the programmingicon_rolleyes
It took a while though. To be honest I dont really know what to do here, I mean I feel very isolated from people even around them. And I've never met a like-minded whatever that is anyway.

Well, I'm only 22 and the people my age here I live dont do much else than getting wastedicon_muede I never liked that, I preferred the weirder drugsicon_2rollsmilie  but thats over anyways, so theres little to do..In regards to socializing.

I'm a part of a little business project and it's just started. So that might pick up soon, hopefully:) besides this I was wondering about taking up more eduaction or getting another job..But I dont know if I would benefit from it other than having more money:?

I like sports though and the outdoors, there will be snow here soon so I'll at least have that:)
I tend to stay way to much in my head, so I often forget the outside world.

Would love to have a family at some point, but I dont know how that works with programming and all. I would have to be finished with it.

Ok, when I think about it..I love everything, to mention something in specific is just weird. It's that which makes me depressed. People force you to pick something out of it all and stick to that or something. Expectations and all.

I crash with others because I seem to perceive things differently. I know how stupid that sounds, and everyone is special and bla bla. But it always seems to be the case.

But I guess this is what I have attracted to myself so far.

More money would enable me to travel more, that would be lovelyicon_megagrin

Sorry if this was weird, you touched a nerve:P

[Polly]

HeadSpace, some people tend to spend much of their time involved in their inner worlds and neglect their outer world.  When I was much younger I did the same.

[Astrojewels]

HeadSpace[/color]]To be honest I dont really know what to do here, I mean I feel very isolated from people even around them. And I've never met a like-minded whatever that is anyway.

Headspace,

Being specifically programmed makes it very hard indeed to find like minded people because of the isolation associated with programming, and it is not about being alone because most programmed people are actually very popular, social and well liked, yet the isolation is the feeling of being different and others just not getting who you are.

This is normal and is part of your mental attraction because you are confused with who you are and what you want, so that manifests into energy that sends out messages to the universe and therefore the people that enter your life have no structure and may seem meaningless, but everything has reason and purpose no matter how insignificant it may seem at the time.

Further educating yourself is a great idea, and extra money can always be useful! This will take more of your time, and you may meet people that are on your level, good luck with the business venture.

[HeadSpace]

Thank you both:)

I have trouble being myself around people too..I have the sun in eleventh house, and I don't think that is a good thing for me. Maybe in regards to development and personal evolution but I think it tend to create some strangeness for me:?

But I do not know how people interpret the sun in eleventh house though.. it is just a feeling on my part.

I thought about it and I will go for the money part since I know there will be unstable times ahead. I need to get myself a place to live. To own, I mean.. A place further in the woods:D One can get a lot for very little when you look a little further away from the cities here..But I guess it's like that most places. That always puzzled me, how people spend insane amounts of money on those small apartments in the cities:?

I've been wondering about how it might be a waste starting some education now as things might blow up in world war and all:? And I have a certain reluctance of getting trapped in the system.

A family member died last night, that was quite a hard time for me... Not emotionally, but in ways I'm having difficulties explaining.. When I was on my way to see the member  together with the rest of the family I started to get extremely shaky and instable. Not afraid, just shaky.

I also got some strange auric vibes coming from some of the group.
All in all, I had a night filled with what I think was triggers and activations. It fractured me again..

I am working my way upwards again, but then theres the funeral and stufficon_rolleyes

I seriously dont like those, they make me feel uncomfortable.

In the last one I didn't feel much either, but the vibes in the room creeped up on me and I just broke down.

..Had a strange night today also:?

[HeadSpace]

Thought I should mention that I have sometimes heard a strange "bleep" sound coming from nowwhere..Like in the movies or something..It might be a joke or sopmething, I dont know. It seemd strange. I also sometimes have my visual field just jump..not often, and it doesn't feel right..

I'm sorry if I seemd cold or strange in my last post, the last couple of days have been intense for me.