Suicide

[beyondinfinity]

Tonight, I need to express myself.  I know I am new to the forum and some of you have known me personally for some time, while others are just becoming familiar with my presence. 

Three weeks ago, the son of the special man in my life, committed suicide.  He was 23 years old and had a horrible fight with his live-in girlfriend the day of the suicide.  My whole world has been turned upside down in many ways and I have been on a roller coaster of emotions. 

The triggers are numerous and the depth of internal conflict is beyond most of the challenges I have endured in my life. 

Not only do I have my own emotions to deal with, but I also have the ongoing mood swings of my partner to deal with.  Since suicide is a major trigger for those who have specific programming, it has been a struggle to keep myself from seeing the benefits of this option.  I will not follow suit, but am aware of the potential. 

Tonight I want to punch the wall, cry, scream, bring the deceased back from the dead, escape, run, hide, blow up the chess board, retreat in a cave, but the emotions are stuck....locked in their own little box of restriction.

I am angry...angry with the f**** system, angry with the lies, angry because life can be so futile and in a moment the whole system can change it's course. 

You know, we talk about deprogramming, spinning the chakras, looking at hyperspace images, doing our work and then the work comes to us.  It comes to us when we are trying to do the balancing act with whatever tools are available. 

I want to swear, I want to cry, I want to embrace my neighbor with love and tell the masters of this incarnation to go to hell.  Escape is not the answer.  Courage to face the onslaught of deception is paramount. 

I have been traveling between worlds, living in the present and exploring that which exists beyond the veil.  We sit on the precipice of shifting energies that test us to the very core, the place where we seek our awareness of self.  Damn, the core is hard to reach and when we find it, we have to remove the pretenses, the programming, the mask, the lie, the devil, the excuse.  

To the young man that wants a job...find your vector....find the place that gives you the momentum to accelerate out of the pattern of apathetic convenience.  It is no coincidence you are hear seeking answers.   We have to move out of our comfort zones to realize our potential. 

Shift....the father can't acknowledge the suicide for what it is...there is blame...a stage of lie, souls are tired, they want to check out.   I traveled to the other side.  It was free...free of this world's duality and the conflict and angst that permeates an ever increasing restrictive mode of expression.

Are we willing to fight for our right to be the individual blueprint of ourself or will we stop short of the goal for fear of venturing into a domain dominated by dark forces that restrict the goal? 

I want my power.  I want to take back what has been taken for me in the whole GD program.  I refuse to let them have their way.  I refuse to give into the lie.  We can overcome.  We can reach the core and face the fears and face the compartments of ourselves that have been suppressed, that have been locked away like prisoners in the war for our mind. 

I remember the song from the old MASH TV series....suicide is painless...to hell it is painless...those that were bound by cords and soul connections receive the pain in a type of transference and have to find a way to transmute the energy so that it doesn't propagate.   

I am talking...I am talking because this subject is taboo...I am talking because there is shame attached to the truth...because in reality...a suicide is a suicide.   I am talking because I can't afford to let this matter lock itself into my being and become something I have to deal with down the road. 

[DreamTime]

Hello beyondinfinity...

I am so sorry for your pain and hurt but I am glad that you wrote what you did. There have been many times in my life that I have almost crossed that road and hearing how much it really does pain the ones left behind has made me never want to consider that road again. So all I can say is: do swear, cry, embrace your neighbor...do everything you can to release all that is inside of you. I wish I could be there for you in person so that together we could swear, cry, embrace, break things...whatever it took, but since I can't be, just know that there are online people here for you and we do care...feel better.

[Mercy Now]

beyond infinity ..I don't have the words to comfort you . To make it make sense. To dry your tears or quell your rage. I don't have those words. All I can offer is my heartfelt sympathies and to say that you will be in my prayers.

 


These are the times that I wish I had an ET finger. You know the finger that touched  Elliot's injury and "magically" healed it.I've since heard  an "ET /alien" investigator claim an ET touched his heart ,literally, and disappeared the pain from an ended relationship that he was in at the time. It just went away.... poof!!! No remains just obliterated.He had conscious memory of the relationship but no emotion attached to it.  I then am faced with the consideration if this is really what I would want.Isn't that in some way a suicide of it's own?

 I've  have  been on both sides of suicide.I'll never forget the moment I'd decided to check out.  
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I'll have to finish this later .The horses will bust out their stalls if I don't get out there.

[beyondinfinity]

Thanks dreamtime and mercy...there is no erasing the pain...I really needed to let some of the internal dialog come to the surface. I appreciate being able to share on this forum.

[William]

I have been on the brink of that precipice. I did not believe time would mend my pain. Have i become numb? Cry for the memory that you have. In time you will cherish your thoughts and still wipe away a tear.

We are all thinking of you.
William

[EmeraldStar]

I am so sorry for all the pain you are going through... Thank you for writing and expressing.  I wish I could comfort you in person, but I can only offer condolences here. I feel your sorrow, I feel your pain, I feel your rage.

Pain... it either wakes us up to reality and makes us take action, or utterly destroys us because we just sink in the sorrow and rage. Please stay with us.... together we will learn, feel, cry, laugh, triumph, despair, etc. - we have to continue living our lives in order to win. There will be worthwhile moments, I promise you. it will all be worth it. Presevere, please... It's what we are all struggling to do. But no one can do it alone. If you were to give up, we will have one less.  You matter so much!

That's all I have to say. icon_bussi

[Astrojewels]

Beyondinfinity,

My heart is with you, and my condolences to your friend, yet as we all know words really have no meaning during such a time, and expressing yourself will rid some of the energy that is building up inside you, and I have to agree totally with you that this is a topic that is very sensitive to discuss, yet it is a tool used against those who are specifically programmed, just as you have mentioned.

Since the end of October I have felt this incredible energy of darkness, and I even had death knock at the door (death energy comes before death) and up to today I have been told of 6 deaths, and 2 were suicides, but 5 of these people were acquaintances.

we lost a man this week who was a major part of our soul family, and I personally do not know what is going to happen now, I don’t know how we are going to live without him, I can not say I understand how you feel, but I can greatly empathize with your pain.

Yet the other side of pain is programming, and while we are affected emotionally we will be targeted energetically, and that is fact, yes you do have to carefully watch the triggers, the frequencies but it is nearly impossible to focus.

We should talk on the phone because there is no coincidence with this current energy, and there is a lot to discuss.  

My thoughts and love is with you.

 

[beyondinfinity]

Thanks William and Emerald, You are right, none of us can do this alone. A virtual support system is a support system. I am glad that I can talk freely in this environment. It seems that this subject is one that makes people uncomfortable. I want to talk and those who aren't close to the issue, expect life to just continue as if nothing happened. This isn't one of those situations where I "can fake it til I make."

[beyondinfinity]

Thank you AstroJewels, I would like to talk with you. I have a commitment this afternoon and will be back later this evening. Last night, I pushed myself through a meeting and one of the woman there stood up and excused herself saying "she had just returned from her mother's funeral and had to leave." It was after the meeting that I let it all out. I couldn't hold back any longer. There have been two other deaths in the last three weeks of that have happened tragically. The dark energy is thick and I am holding on. It's almost like playing in a mine (mind) field.

[Mercy Now]

Yes the energy is dark and thick. I hail from a large family  . Nine children on each side of my parent's respective birth families. They were all pretty close in age and recently we are experincing a "domino effect" of deaths. It's to the point where I'm real hesitant to answer the phone . The worst will be when my 105 year old grandmother passes.

My grandfather visited me about three years after his death.I was a teenager. His death had been an unnecessarily horrible one. I knew he had been healing for those  three years when he visited. He looked wonderful . He told me " Everything is going to be okay. I promise you. Now go tell the others(my family)." I wanted him to tell them as our family was devasted with his untimely demise. He said "They can't see or hear me but you can so go tell them." 

When life get's unbearable I call upon that visit.