HeadSpace..Deprogramming diary

[Mercy Now]

Headspace, You don't have to be sorry to me.My ego is not involved ,but my heart is.I have very strong  feelings based on experience and knowledge and due to some past life stuff I tend to feel responsible for everyone and everything:?. You are free to do what you need to do to learn.  We learn from experience and if my experience can be of use to someone else then so be it but I would never force it on you.

[HeadSpace]

Thank you:) I miss my heart..

I tend to be blocked there. But it makes the moments I have it with me very intense..

I remember one specific time when I heard a little child cry, I had eaten something psychedelic. It got me really intense, and I totally forgot myself there for a minute.

I just looked out my window to the neighborhood I have lived in my whole life, it looks foreign. Then I see memories from childhood. Sometimes like this when I see how fragmented I have been I get really sad. Like, I sometimes cant even feel anything for my own family. Then it comes back with intensity..

It's like the real me sometimes comes up for air or something. Someone is really truly messed up somewhere to be able to do this to people.

Feelings are important, I have gone many years without them or just being very superficial like that. I have been more appreciative of coffee than humans..But I love them. Really much, something is saying I'm being weird here:)


I just found something, I thought of my relatives which are no longer with me and I sometimes feel guilty for not feeling to much. I then feel it, and I get scared of someone seeing me. It has to do with my self, being rejected I think.

A wound.

Now, something..perhaps an entity, the attachment or some kind of compartment threathened me about telling something I do not want to say to someone. And things close down again.

I have been very cold for a long time.

Something just happened too. There may be something outside on the astral levels manipulating me, if so it has been there for a long time. But I thought they did not program and that stuff.

I have had some sort of constant feed of input implying I am fragmented and that it is getting worse by the minute..That involves a kind of fake layer on my surroundings, I usually see through that. But it may be deeper layers too that gets me thinking I am not where I am supposed to be. And when I never am where I am supposed to be it gets me nervous and looking for the place. When it's actually right here..

Programming sucks:P

Sorry if I'm being self centered. I tend to be that.

I have a deep respect for emotions, once I get reminded of myself having them and how they feel like:)

[Mercy Now]

Headspace, Why did you think I was male?

[HeadSpace]

The way I percieved your name, I could write more but there's mixed feelings. Not about you but something else. You dont come off like a male or anything if I got you worried:D

[Mercy Now]

No I wasn't worried .:)I just wanted to be clear that I hadn't misled you.

[HeadSpace]

I had something happen some nights ago..Some dreams, I was first having sex with a girl I knew and I suddenly thought about another girl.

Although this memory appeared first, it was the last dream before I woke up I think.
Another was me as a son with a father, we were both being dismembered by an unseen enemy. The cuts looked like chainsaw cuts. We were both split in the heads and we layed there in parts trying to hold on. We tried to get closer since it was a sad event.

I remember the feeling, the visions were fake, the feelings were real. The feelings I have felt before, fragmentation. I remembered this feeling in my childhood dreams too.

The unseen enemy could have been a satellite. I think so. Something were beneath the surface image of the dreams, they were very vivid.

Visiting the Ikea store as  I mentioned a week ago now I was a little confused, not knowing what was happening and what alter were present. I heard a tune from the roof, singing "Lost inside.." and I got some weird feelings and laughter:)

I woke up today with more muscle:? I was stronger than usual and I had different behavior. I think programming has been reinforced to make me more receptive of the attachments influence. Also, the brainstem seem to be more active. There's this light feeling, not much emotions. A great deal of strength and I can laugh at things that really would make my true selv quite sad and afraid. I've been like this before, when I was in that Death/suicide period I was ready to die and I was laughing at it. I also laughed at something I thought were very dangerous demons, they were actually there too:?

I have had this when I was younger, it made me act in a slightly miltary way. I think it is the attachment, and I suppose that would imply what has been called Moon Child programming.

It also manipulates me and simulates programming. Then theres this thing were I sort of drown. Like I'm walking, I turn my head to look for something and "I" disappear. And it's not always me walking either I think. I mean it feels as if someone else is, I can actually feel it. Physically. But I see all this, and I can change it.

[Astrojewels]

That is a very intense dream headspace!

[HeadSpace]

Quite intense yes:) I think I have had many of those, I usually dont remember many dreams.

I was just reading and I came across some stuff about the Romanovs. And I remembered a vision of a statue thing I might have seen in a dream somewhere recently. But I do not know if it is from something I have seen on the net either.

My upper chakras have been messed with and I have been heavily manipulated these last days. I had a feeling it might have something to do with my journal here attracting attention from unwanted people.

The atmosphere is very strange, ever since I came across the merger situation. And these events with the forum and the other thing seemed to be timed very strange too.

I think my pineal is manipulated, I feel very very dense, and I cant center myself. I also think the demon is very near. There is this superficial feeling, in and around me. My thoughts get twisted and when trying to sleep I cant even think straight, it feels like a thousand foreign thought floating inwards from something and when standing up trying to think myself it's like trying to stand up to a river or something..

Very heavy elf, never been this bad before. I lost myself completely last night, feels like I'm not there. And it almost looks as if it is true sometimes. Hard to explain.

Not sure how to fight this, I need to get my pineal going again.

[HeadSpace]

I do not think I can make this without some techniques. Now things are pointing towards either complete failure or some kind of way.

It feels as if I loose consciousness sometimes. The demon has been inside alot, it is something I have not mentioned. It has been there every day for a long time and the times I have those breakthroughs as i mentioned it is not. While it is in everything feels fake and I feel like I dont even exist. There are some very sad and frustrated feelings about this. I am again reconsidering the merger. If it is real I have to get going with these exercises.

What MC said about being taken every night for programming seems familiar, not that it has happened to me but something along those lines. It is very intense, either I break free which requires everything I've got or everything seems to really get nightmarish.

Also elf in scary amounts. Every second of the day theres pressure on the head, buzzing, and the attachment. Along with sliding sense of self, surroundings and stuff. I've not been very good at descripting these things.

I am wondering why everything is so intense.

[HeadSpace]

Looking in the mirror today I saw my eyes do something, I'm not sure what. And Theres some kind of energetic morphing going on.

I am having some issues with the attachment and I just saw my face in the mirror, my eyes changed and my face looked strange. Not good:?

I think the pisces cycle might have something to do with it. More mutable, and my mars probably dont like it either.

I will get myself a winged Lion tattoo. I have made my mind up, that is a frequency I can trust. The lion frequency. And I like lions:)

Something has been pulling me whenever thinking about the wolf freqcuency, I thought it might have been my oversoul warning me, but it could also have been the attachment. It might have been used in rituals. But would it be harmful to explore?